Balance

Here in the Northern Hemisphere we just experienced the autumnal equinox. The dictionary defines autumn as that time of full maturity. Equinox is a time when the sun crosses the plane of the earth's equator, making night and day of approximately equal length. It's the time of year when we have as much light as we have dark—a perfect balance.

Autumn is a great time to reflect on balance. In nature, growth turns inward in the fall. And for us, we have the added conditioning of spending years returning to school in the fall. Perhaps too, it's the seriousness of our farmer roots; that time to harvest and feast as each day seems less bright than the day before.  

When we try to achieve balance in our external world, that balance is fragile. One external event in our life, even a small event, can tip the scales. We can't easily control what comes our way. And trying to control external events is frustrating and distorts our life. 

So balance must come from within. How do you achieve internal balance? By acting deliberately and in full awareness, by stilling your body and mind.

Here are ten ways you might achieve inner balance:  

1. Express your boundaries. Learn communication skills if necessary.

2. Become fit in mind and body. Without fitness our body and mind are noisy. Fitness brings stillness.

3. Be fully present. The present is where things happen.

4. Eliminate judgment. Judgment of others is external. It moves us away from being fully present.

5. Have faith. With faith, we are more able to keep our attention on the present and less apt to judge.

6. Know what's true for you. Express YOUR truth and act deliberately.

7. Get your needs met. When your needs are not met, external forces affect you.

8. Honor your values. When your activities are not congruent with your values, you are stressed.

9. Rest. Take your time.

10. Listen to your inner voice. You can only be great when you honor your intuition.


“You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen. But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your soul's own doing.” ~Marie Carmichael Stopes


“Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” ~ Guillaume Apollinaire

Values

Last month I wrote about Needs, that getting something you wanted often depended on getting a need met first. Needs are emotional or physical hungers that drive us and often create behavior that is not in our best interest. When our needs are not met, we can become very confused about what it is we really want.

This month I’d like to talk about Values. Values are the things in our lives that create pure delight. Once we have identified our needs and developed a structure to get them fully met in healthy ways, the fun comes in identifying our values and reorienting our lives around them.

Unmet needs trip us up; unmet values pull us forward. Your values define “who” you are. When you get to the “who,” your goals, the “what,” and your strategies, the “how,” are no-brainers. When you are confronted with an activity, compare it to your values. If you can't immediately find the value that supports the activity, let it go.

For instance, one of my values is simplicity. If it's simple or I can make it simple, you can count me in! If it's not, I generally don't play. Another one of my values is adventure. If an activity is both simple and adventurous, I'm in heaven. I know that no matter what the activity is, it fits two of my core values and is worth my time and energy.

Each of us has 5 to 10 core values that make us feel most alive. When you know what your values are, you naturally set goals that are you and, therefore, easier to reach. You'll also reject goals that you thought you might have wanted. Knowing they don't fit your values will make it obvious these goals were set based on a need or an outside influence.

Getting your needs met will change you, living your values will evolve you. You can transform fantasies into realities by remaining true to your values.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You never find yourself until you face the truth.” ~Pearl Bailey

“Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.” ~Rumi

“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.” ~Margaret Young

“To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson

“Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness.” ~Shakti Gawain

“We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or to other peoples’ models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channel to open.” ~Shakti Gawain

What I want for you is to be ruthless about centering your life around your values and enjoying the process. Yes, work on getting your needs met if you haven't yet, but don't wait to identify your values. It's just too much fun!


Just For Fun
The Top 10 Enduring Principles of Crazy Wisdom
For coaches, people, and pets weary of straightline thinking.
1. Never trust absolute statements.
2. To be or not to be! That's the answer…So what's the question?
3. Leave a legacy for mankind. Know nothing for 60 seconds.
4. If grace has touched you with the capacity to utter 3 useful things in sequence, perhaps it is time to take a break.
5. Be careful in not taking moderation to extremes.
6. If you find yourself on the road to enlightenment…STOP. You've gone too far.
7. At final auction, your personality will sell for far less than you've paid for it.
8. When you discover a Master who points the Way…don’t just do something. Stand there.
9. Whatever it is, - it will pass.
10. The validity of the above principles expires at the end of this sentence.

This piece was originally submitted to the CoachU Knowledge Base by William Sebrans, Executive, Business, and Personal Coach who can be reached at william@wisefools.com.

Wants and Needs

Most of us have a desire to do better in our relationships, personal health, finances, etc. Yet we can't seem to get past the “want.” Sometimes it takes a few questions to get to what coaches call the “need.”

Let's say you want to build financial reserves in your life yet you can't seem to get motivated enough to make saving a habit. There is more truth in that part of you that is unwilling to take the action to start saving than in that part of you that says saving is a priority. If you start asking yourself why saving is a priority, you might say because you want to feel safe. Another why and you might discover that you are feeling unsafe because your job is unrewarding. The third why might lead to the answer that work is unrewarding because your manager doesn't acknowledge how much you produce. Then the need is acknowledgment from those you work with. Ask for it. The process is not always this simple, but it always works.

When your head expresses a “want” that you are unwilling to follow, there is truth in the unwillingness. You know there's something else here to look at.” Delve deeper and ask why. All our wants can be effortless. If they are not, just take care of some needs first.

Now, if you want to get to the need faster, move your body. I'm not asking you to exercise or take up a sport. Just go for a walk, ride a bike, swim or dance around the house. In the process of asking yourself “why,” you'll get to the heart of the matter much faster if your body is allowed to move.


“There is no reality except the one contained within us. That is why so many people live such an unreal life. They take images outside them for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself.” ~Herman Hesse

“If you don't ask why this? often enough, somebody will ask why you?” ~Tom Hirshfield

“All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.” ~James Grover Thurber
“It always comes back to the same necessity: go deep enough and there is a bedrock of truth, however hard.” ~May Sarton

“Look and you will find it—what is unsought will go undetected.” ~Sophocles

“I learn by going where I have to go.” ~Theodore Roethke


Start with something simple that you have been saying you wanted to achieve for some time. Introduce movement of some sort and start asking “why?”

Play

Last Monday morning was a little difficult. I got up, let the dog out, and started preparing for a doctor's appointment 125 miles south of here. The weather was overcast, windy and threatening rain, and I was not looking forward to the drive. While I was getting out of the shower, I was overpowered by a familiar scent every dog owner dreads. Yup, skunk. Direct hit! I reached for my handy bottle of Skunk Off and met the dog, looking very humbled, on the front porch. A bottle of Skunk Off later, Jersey smelled only slightly better and I seemed to be picking up the odor. No amount of perfume was going to cover me up. I was now running late, still not dressed, and hadn't even had time to consider breakfast or coffee. I could take another shower and be exceptionally late or take my chances. The impending weather left me with no hope that I was going to be able to make the drive with the car windows wide open. Yes, there was no doubt I was going to be the topic of discussion at the doctor's office today. In the hierarchy of bad Monday mornings, this one was still trying to come up for air. I was about to sit down and wallow in my own stink when the phone rang.

Ask me to go fishing and I’ll drop anything and everything I'm supposed to be doing. At the last minute, I rescheduled a doctor's appointment I had waited several months to get to fish smallmouth bass on Grand Traverse Bay. Okay, I can hear the groans from those of you who know me well; “Oh no, she's going to talk about fishing again!” And, “What's she doing fishing for bass, her least favorite fish.” But as the bumper sticker says, “A bad day of fishing is better than a good day at work.” Okay, that out of my system, what I really want to talk about is play.

When I cried “Uncle!” last Monday and decided to play it was not because I was feeling good. But out of that decision, two extraordinary things happened to me.

I was spontaneous. One of the benefits of my acting spontaneously is that I gained a different perspective on the same old events and an opportunity to explore unfamiliar territory—the present moment. I realized that to enjoy myself whenever possible was an essential part of my spiritual development. Spontaneity was a way for me to quit trying so hard and be more human.

I laughed. It's true, laughter is good medicine. In the last couple of decades there has been medical research that laughter can benefit you physically. It can help you lose weight, reduce blood pressure and heal a host of illnesses. It's impossible to be laughing and tense at the same time. Allowing myself to laugh was a genuine expression of the appreciation I have for my body, mind and spirit. Laughter got me to the absurdity of the situation and opened up that part of me where creativity thrives. I came home with a sense that I could excel at anything.

By the way, after eight hours on the lake, we only caught two fish. It really didn't matter. Instead of feeling bad, I was being “bad” and feeling much, much better.


“Given the choice between a folly and a sacrament, one should always choose the folly—because we know a sacrament will not bring us closer to God and there's always a chance a folly will.” ~Erasmus

“Life should be lived as play.” ~Plato

“The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity.” ~Carl Jung

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” ~Plato

“Play is the beginning of knowledge.” ~George Dorsey

“God writes a lot of comedy. The trouble is he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.” ~Garrison Keillor


It's easy to play when you're feeling good and free. So I'm not going to challenge you to just play more. I'm asking you to notice the next time you're trying too hard. You may be physically trying hard to complete a task or you may be just trying too hard to put a positive spin on a bad situation. At the point that you notice, stop what you're doing and introduce play.

Nature

I grew up a child of the woods. I never really washed myself clean (except maybe in swim class). I excelled at catching turtles and frogs and throwing moss and swamp scum at my friends. I took for granted nature and all its lessons.

It was only after I grew up and met so many other adults who did not “take to the wilds” that I realized that extracting oneself from nature, while giving the illusion of possessing more control, tends to leave a person a little off.

Now, wilderness for me is an instant transfusion. The ground is grounding. A lake, river or stream puts me in flow. I feel most alive when I'm not in charge, when I'm pitched from the canoe, slip and slide down a muddy trail, get drenched in a torrential downpour, or get windblown on an island. To me, the outdoors is immediate and inescapable, a little fearful. It stirs me up.

Look out from an untouched lake, a bluff, a waterfall or a canyon and my “issues” seem small. It always seems a little surprising to find that after a personal upheaval of the mind or heart, everything in nature continues exactly the same, authentic. You are never so still as when you see a deer, never so elated as when you crest a peak and view the vista, never so alive as when you hear a wolf howl or a loon call, never so entertained as when you watch an otter or the northern lights.

Nature is authentic. It is exactly what it seems to be.


“When one tugs at a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world.” ~John Muir

“A human being is part of a whole, called by us the “Universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest—a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. The delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” ~Albert Einstein

“A man is related to all nature.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nature teaches more than she preaches. There are no sermons in stones. It is easier to get a spark out of a stone than a moral.” ~John Burroughs


Start small with a swim in the ocean or a lake or a walk in a state park. Throw some friggin’ moss. Get your hands dirty. Stink.