Wants and Needs

Most of us have a desire to do better in our relationships, personal health, finances, etc. Yet we can't seem to get past the “want.” Sometimes it takes a few questions to get to what coaches call the “need.”

Let's say you want to build financial reserves in your life yet you can't seem to get motivated enough to make saving a habit. There is more truth in that part of you that is unwilling to take the action to start saving than in that part of you that says saving is a priority. If you start asking yourself why saving is a priority, you might say because you want to feel safe. Another why and you might discover that you are feeling unsafe because your job is unrewarding. The third why might lead to the answer that work is unrewarding because your manager doesn't acknowledge how much you produce. Then the need is acknowledgment from those you work with. Ask for it. The process is not always this simple, but it always works.

When your head expresses a “want” that you are unwilling to follow, there is truth in the unwillingness. You know there's something else here to look at.” Delve deeper and ask why. All our wants can be effortless. If they are not, just take care of some needs first.

Now, if you want to get to the need faster, move your body. I'm not asking you to exercise or take up a sport. Just go for a walk, ride a bike, swim or dance around the house. In the process of asking yourself “why,” you'll get to the heart of the matter much faster if your body is allowed to move.


“There is no reality except the one contained within us. That is why so many people live such an unreal life. They take images outside them for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself.” ~Herman Hesse

“If you don't ask why this? often enough, somebody will ask why you?” ~Tom Hirshfield

“All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.” ~James Grover Thurber
“It always comes back to the same necessity: go deep enough and there is a bedrock of truth, however hard.” ~May Sarton

“Look and you will find it—what is unsought will go undetected.” ~Sophocles

“I learn by going where I have to go.” ~Theodore Roethke


Start with something simple that you have been saying you wanted to achieve for some time. Introduce movement of some sort and start asking “why?”

Play

Last Monday morning was a little difficult. I got up, let the dog out, and started preparing for a doctor's appointment 125 miles south of here. The weather was overcast, windy and threatening rain, and I was not looking forward to the drive. While I was getting out of the shower, I was overpowered by a familiar scent every dog owner dreads. Yup, skunk. Direct hit! I reached for my handy bottle of Skunk Off and met the dog, looking very humbled, on the front porch. A bottle of Skunk Off later, Jersey smelled only slightly better and I seemed to be picking up the odor. No amount of perfume was going to cover me up. I was now running late, still not dressed, and hadn't even had time to consider breakfast or coffee. I could take another shower and be exceptionally late or take my chances. The impending weather left me with no hope that I was going to be able to make the drive with the car windows wide open. Yes, there was no doubt I was going to be the topic of discussion at the doctor's office today. In the hierarchy of bad Monday mornings, this one was still trying to come up for air. I was about to sit down and wallow in my own stink when the phone rang.

Ask me to go fishing and I’ll drop anything and everything I'm supposed to be doing. At the last minute, I rescheduled a doctor's appointment I had waited several months to get to fish smallmouth bass on Grand Traverse Bay. Okay, I can hear the groans from those of you who know me well; “Oh no, she's going to talk about fishing again!” And, “What's she doing fishing for bass, her least favorite fish.” But as the bumper sticker says, “A bad day of fishing is better than a good day at work.” Okay, that out of my system, what I really want to talk about is play.

When I cried “Uncle!” last Monday and decided to play it was not because I was feeling good. But out of that decision, two extraordinary things happened to me.

I was spontaneous. One of the benefits of my acting spontaneously is that I gained a different perspective on the same old events and an opportunity to explore unfamiliar territory—the present moment. I realized that to enjoy myself whenever possible was an essential part of my spiritual development. Spontaneity was a way for me to quit trying so hard and be more human.

I laughed. It's true, laughter is good medicine. In the last couple of decades there has been medical research that laughter can benefit you physically. It can help you lose weight, reduce blood pressure and heal a host of illnesses. It's impossible to be laughing and tense at the same time. Allowing myself to laugh was a genuine expression of the appreciation I have for my body, mind and spirit. Laughter got me to the absurdity of the situation and opened up that part of me where creativity thrives. I came home with a sense that I could excel at anything.

By the way, after eight hours on the lake, we only caught two fish. It really didn't matter. Instead of feeling bad, I was being “bad” and feeling much, much better.


“Given the choice between a folly and a sacrament, one should always choose the folly—because we know a sacrament will not bring us closer to God and there's always a chance a folly will.” ~Erasmus

“Life should be lived as play.” ~Plato

“The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity.” ~Carl Jung

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” ~Plato

“Play is the beginning of knowledge.” ~George Dorsey

“God writes a lot of comedy. The trouble is he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.” ~Garrison Keillor


It's easy to play when you're feeling good and free. So I'm not going to challenge you to just play more. I'm asking you to notice the next time you're trying too hard. You may be physically trying hard to complete a task or you may be just trying too hard to put a positive spin on a bad situation. At the point that you notice, stop what you're doing and introduce play.

Nature

I grew up a child of the woods. I never really washed myself clean (except maybe in swim class). I excelled at catching turtles and frogs and throwing moss and swamp scum at my friends. I took for granted nature and all its lessons.

It was only after I grew up and met so many other adults who did not “take to the wilds” that I realized that extracting oneself from nature, while giving the illusion of possessing more control, tends to leave a person a little off.

Now, wilderness for me is an instant transfusion. The ground is grounding. A lake, river or stream puts me in flow. I feel most alive when I'm not in charge, when I'm pitched from the canoe, slip and slide down a muddy trail, get drenched in a torrential downpour, or get windblown on an island. To me, the outdoors is immediate and inescapable, a little fearful. It stirs me up.

Look out from an untouched lake, a bluff, a waterfall or a canyon and my “issues” seem small. It always seems a little surprising to find that after a personal upheaval of the mind or heart, everything in nature continues exactly the same, authentic. You are never so still as when you see a deer, never so elated as when you crest a peak and view the vista, never so alive as when you hear a wolf howl or a loon call, never so entertained as when you watch an otter or the northern lights.

Nature is authentic. It is exactly what it seems to be.


“When one tugs at a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world.” ~John Muir

“A human being is part of a whole, called by us the “Universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest—a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. The delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” ~Albert Einstein

“A man is related to all nature.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nature teaches more than she preaches. There are no sermons in stones. It is easier to get a spark out of a stone than a moral.” ~John Burroughs


Start small with a swim in the ocean or a lake or a walk in a state park. Throw some friggin’ moss. Get your hands dirty. Stink.

Fears, Beliefs and Risk

Once I believed I could not write. I know exactly where that came from, my fifth-grade teacher and a college composition instructor. They held such authority that later I discounted any good comments I received about my writing. I came to believe that I would never write for pleasure or work. Then I reached the point last year where I wanted to write this newsletter. Not because I wanted to become a writer, but because I wanted to share my thoughts with you. I went through all kinds of physical trauma trying to get the first newsletter out. I was confronting an old belief with a new desire. What was safe about not achieving my goal? Well, I’d never again have to face criticism about my writing. Fortunately, my want and some good coaching got me to the point where I'm able to stick my neck out and take this risk to share with you. Whew!

What are you afraid of? Many of my clients tell me they want to work less, make more money, have more time for their family, play more, pursue hobbies and passions, build a business, write that book, and take better care of themselves. They tell me that they are not accomplishing these things because they have not learned the right skills. Usually it's about how to better manage time or people. In my case, I believed I didn't have the skill to write. I ask them, “What's safe about not achieving the goal?”

Remember how fearless we were when we were very young? Your beliefs are the combination of people, circumstances and events that have had an effect on your life. What you believe today is often a combination of what you heard from mom, dad, teachers, friends, the media and events in your life. And consciously or unconsciously, your beliefs affect your behavior. So if you want something, but can't seem to attain it, before you decide it's about time, circumstances or learning a new skill, check in with your body and see if there is some stress around what you say you want. If so, then you are probably confronting a belief. That's good! You're in for a change.

When our beliefs get in the way of not going after what we want, we relinquish our power, we become a victim. Acknowledging our own power can be a risk. But without risk, growth just does not occur, as we have no opportunity to shatter old beliefs. To step outside of a belief is to take a risk. And to take a risk is to change your life. As Julia Cameron writes in her book, The Artist's Way, “We have all heard that the unexamined life is not worth living, but consider too that the unlived life is not worth examining.”

“All fear that exists is really a fear of change.” ~Deepak Chopra

“Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little.” ~Agnes De Mille

“We cannot escape fear. We can only transform it into a companion that accompanies us on all our exciting adventures. . . . Take a risk a day—one small or bold stroke that will make you feel great once you have done it.” ~Susan Jeffers

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars.” ~Les Brown


Take one old belief and then put yourself in a creative activity outside of your self-image. Make it playful and allow yourself to be imperfect. Start small. Combine it with something you are good at.

Lists

My friend David, a coach from Denver, demonstrates that it's more about what you've done than what you didn't do.

For most of us, lists are a part of our daily activities. Sometimes it's a new list and sometimes we're just adding to the list we created the day before. It's very satisfying, I admit, to cross things off a list. It's darn right joyful if it's a big item! But how much pain did we go through seeing items on our list day after day until they are accomplished?

Think about it. With each new day, our accomplishments get removed, crossed out, axed, tossed and what we did not get done gets to stay on the list. And often we think of things to put on the list faster than we can cross off those items we have accomplished. When the paper gets full, we transfer those things we have not accomplished to a clean sheet that gives us room to add to the list. All this, I propose, is a little backwards. We seem to be giving greater attention to what we did not get done than what we did get done.

So, a couple of years ago I threw away all my lists and gave up the idea of starting new ones (although I do admit to relying on a computer check list I keep to pack for a canoe/fishing/camping trip. I’ll never again forget the rain suit on a 10-day paddling trip). Giving up lists was very freeing. I recovered a greater sense of faith that I would do, on any particular day, exactly what needed to be done without having to control it with a list. I also became trustful that those “big items” would not be forgotten.

But I like the way David takes his faith to the next level. David does create lists. But each day he creates his SDE (Significant Daily Events) list. What go on David's list are only those things he has accomplished that day. So David is creating a list of things he has accomplished during or at the end of his day rather than a list of things to do at the beginning of his day. He includes everything that is significant to him. Thus play and work are a healthy mix on his list. He may create a list that acknowledges dinner with family, a walk, several coaching conversations, catching up on emails, making several business calls and lunch with an old friend. At the end of the day, David can reflect on all the has accomplished. David says, “I have gained such perspective with the SDE concept. I am doing more daily stuff of value.”


“One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time” ~André Gide

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious” ~Albert Einstein

“Adventures don't begin until you get into the forest. That first step is an act of faith.” ~Mickey Hart


Today, throw away all your list. Relinquish control and surrender to the fact that you know, on any particular day, what needs to be done.

Take it one step further and create a Significant Daily Events list. Acknowledge how much you have accomplished!